


hold yourself together

by vettery



Series: why you are the way you are [1]
Category: Shall We Date?: Obey Me!
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Heavy Angst, Not Beta Read, References to Depression, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:55:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24050953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vettery/pseuds/vettery
Summary: Enthusiastically, you attended your classes. Dutifully, you completed your tasks for the exchange program. With a practiced smile and casual attitude, the brothers wouldn’t notice a thing was different with you.Why would they notice? It’s not like they care about you like that.
Series: why you are the way you are [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1742866
Comments: 28
Kudos: 368





	1. Holding it in

**Author's Note:**

> If you are struggling, please reach out to someone.  
> You deserve to be loved and cared for.  
> Take a deep breath, be kind to yourself.
> 
> [International Association for Suicide Prevention](https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/)

Today was the day your walls came crashing down. It was bound to happen eventually. The emotions you locked away were overwhelming your mind. It wouldn’t stop until your heart ached and your eyes stung with tears… or worse. You curl up into yourself upon your bed, muffling your tired crying in the heavy blanket and pillows.

With all your strength you ignored the monster’s advances. It was tempting you. And you were helpless to it’s assault. You were only human. You’ve fought it off all the times before but maybe, maybe this time it will win.

Tonight, it was throwing a temper tantrum.

It was feeling neglected and now it has your full attention. 

You rolled over in your bed, hoping to melt into the mattress, hoping you’d disappear so this can all be over. You hoped your eyes weren’t too bloodshot or the demon brothers might notice it in the morning. 

_You can’t ignore it forever; It was a part of you. It’s always been there for you, through thick and thin._ You couldn’t help but smile at that. It was your constant companion, your only friend.

It was another side of you that you hid away from your friends, your family. The out of control, perverse, heart-sore background commentary to your life.

After all these years, it knew all the right buttons to press to send you spiraling. It knew that tonight, it would have your full attention. It had been a long time since it had an opportunity to have **this much fun**.

The monster cackled, dancing gleefully in your head.

\---

At first it was just peeking over your shoulder, making sarcastic remarks. You tried your best to ignore it’s cutting jabs at your angelic classmates, your demonic friends, and yourself. 

_If you ignored it, there was a good chance it would be gone tomorrow._

But every day the monster had something new to show you. It pulled back the curtains and revealed the hushed gossip surrounding you, the weakest exchange student; and the judgemental stares of your classmates when your professors called upon you in class. You were no longer blind to the ugly faces behind your back as you were escorted to around school by one of the Avatars of Sin.

_You were such a waste of time. Your babysitters must be tired of taking care of you by now. They were Lords of the Devildom with better things to do. You weren’t worth the effort. Maybe it would be best if you were eaten up by a lower level demon. Then you can just let go, give up this fight._

The thoughts startled you. How did that slip by your defenses? You lock it down. You will not allow it to spiral. You held on, continuing as you were. This wasn’t a big deal and hopefully when you wake up tomorrow, you'll be in a better mood.

Enthusiastically, you attended your classes. Dutifully, you completed your tasks for the exchange program. With a practiced smile and casual attitude, the demons wouldn’t notice a thing was different with you.

_Why would they notice? It’s not like they care about you like that._

\---

When your monster grew bored of whispering ~~lies~~ truths in your ear, it jumped off your shoulder and onto your desk. It fogged up your attention and took up your time. You spent your hours resisting it, knowing the dangers of letting its words get to you. It drained your energy to hold yourself together as it became more and more difficult to ignore as cracks began to show in the walls around your heart.

It was tiring you out. _You didn’t know how much longer you could last in this battle._

Sitting in the common room next to Mammon, your eyes glossed over the same passage of text over and over again. You went through the motions of taking notes, highlighting passages in your textbook. Your internal monologue was a mess.

_You’re never going to get the hang of Devildom history. It’s something your puny human mind could never comprehend. The Celestial War alone was several centuries long and you barely have that down._

Abruptly you set your pen down and started to pack your book bag.

“Oi, where are you going?” Mammon asked. The evening was young. He joined you to study not long ago.

_He’s suspicious. Don’t let him know what’s really going on. He’ll just think you’re weak for being all sad for no good reason._

“I’m kinda tired. Gonna head upstairs and call it a night.” You left quickly before Mammon could reply. If you stayed any longer, the monster would’ve made you cry.

Your little monster, as you affectionately called it, wasn’t so little anymore.

\---

Sleep was restless. It was hard to get out of bed in the mornings to don your facade of normalcy. The monster knew exactly what to say to hurt you. Everyday you held yourself together, ignoring the pain blooming in your heart. Eventually you grew numb to it and everything else around you.

You held on, continuing as you were. _You were fine._

Your work was… average, nothing special. You did as needed and that was that. 

No one would notice any changes in you if you maintained your grades and completed your tasks for Diavolo.

_You were only there for the exchange program. No one would care about anything else. As long as you can complete the year, they’ll be satisfied with you._

That was until the lethargy began to affect your work.

It took you longer to write your papers and editing was exhausting your limited stamina. You stayed up late revising your writing, not that you would’ve been able to sleep soundly. After a few nights of this, Satan decided to join you in the common room to read, burning midnight oil together.

The blond had barely seen you this week. You’ve been avoiding him and his brothers. Seeing your dark eye bags, he frowned, “Would you like my help with your work? You’ve been here every night, staying up even later than I do.”

You glanced at him with tired eyes, “It’s alright. I’m almost done. I’ve just been tired so it’s slow progress. Thanks, though.” You kept the conversation short.

_You shouldn’t burden him. The Avatar of Wrath has better things to do than to help a human with their homework. You’re not worth his time. He’s just being nice._

“Mammon’s complaining that you spend all of your free time studying. He’s worried for you but doesn’t know how to express it," Satan chuckled, “ I think he misses you.”

You shifted under his gaze, “Yeah I’ll talk to him. I’ve just been really busy with course work and Diavolo’s tasks too.”

The longer you were exposed here, the higher the chance of Satan catching on. Finishing as quickly as you could, you bid him good night.

You didn't see how his brow furrowed when his eyes followed you out the room. You didn’t feel him track the slow moving limbs that packed your book bag away, the tired way you dragged your feet, and the falseness of your practiced smile.

It hurt him to see your fake smile. He thought the two of you were closer than that. But you didn't notice that. All you heard was your monster's dialogue.

You focused on your feet as you retreated to your room. One step at a time, you ignored the monster’s chatter.

_If you don’t acknowledge it, then it can’t hurt you. These thoughts aren’t real. You just need to wait it out and it will just fade back into the background. Everything will go back to normal._

That’s the only way you knew how to be. The only path was forward, ~~bravely charging ahead~~ running away and not facing your problems.

_You were fine. This is fine. You can handle this. You’ve handled it every time before and you can do it again… right?_

That was your mantra. It kept you going. If you repeated it enough, maybe it would become true. 

\----

The hardest part was keeping your act of normalcy around the brothers. They had become your friends, your confidants. It hurt you to lie to them like this but they wouldn’t understand this weird human flaw; the way some humans were just broken like this, unfixable. You didn’t want to give them yet another reason to think of you as weak.

It was most difficult at dinner time. Full attendance at the nightly family meals was mandatory. It would be easier to put up an act rather than facing Lucifer’s displeasure.

_Get in, get out, as fast as you can. Before they look too closely at you._

You listened passively to Asmo and Levi argued, not wanting to draw attention to yourself. You pushed the food around on your plate, passing any pieces you found strange to Beelzebub next to you.

“You’re giving me a lot tonight. You should eat more,” he said as he looked skeptically at the fork you extended towards him. It was unusual for Beel not to accept your food immediately.

“I-I had too many snacks this afternoon so I’m not hungry. I’m just tired, don’t worry,” you lied smoothly. 

You didn’t have much of an appetite anymore. But you never stopped eating while you worked. Unhealthy snacks were what fueled you now. 

_You are what you eat. You know what that means, right? You’re just like the trash that you put in your body._

The false smile fell from your face as you digested the thought. Your stomach twisted, torn between hunger and nausea. You needed to get out of here before you got worse, “Actually I’m pretty full. You can have the rest of it, don’t let it go to waste.”

Asmodeus looked at your plate, startled, “But you’ve barely touched it. Are you--”

You got up quickly, slouching to make yourself smaller. Conversation had paused, all of the brothers were watching you now. 

Distantly, you could feel a panic stirring within you. You’d been numb to emotions for days now so this took you by surprise. You needed leave.

“It was delicious, Asmo. Sorry, I didn’t eat more. Thanks for cooking tonight,” you turned to go.

Someone else called your name. A few voices blended together but you ignored them as you took your leave.

Guts clenching, heart racing, you tried not to run back to the safety of your room. After locking the door, you focused on your breathing: deep breaths, inhaling and exhaling slowly. When you calmed yourself down, you sent a message to the group chat that you were sleeping early and did not want to be disturbed.

It was time to feed the monster in your head. 

Your little monster had a big presence now. It’s grown strong arms and legs to break down the door to your brain. It made itself right at home there. After so many years at your side, it knew all the right buttons to press to send you spiraling.

It wouldn’t be long until it threw a temper tantrum, demanding your blood and tears as penance. It would smash all the buttons on the control panel of your mind until you fell apart and your mind turned against you. It was a feeling you wouldn’t wish upon even your worst enemy.

_You wanted it to stop, to end it… to end yourself._

You rolled over in your bed, wishing to melt into the mattress. Mindlessly, you watched videos on DevilTube until your eyes drooped closed. Somehow you fell into light sleep, temporarily silencing the monster.

This was getting exhausting.

\---

The history professor was scolding you for your poor essay. It was sub-par, littered with grammatical mistakes, and long-running paragraphs of rambling.

You were struggling to hold yourself together. _Useless, lazy, and dumb, they don’t need you. They would’ve been better off with pretty much_ _anyone else for the exchange program._

_If you hadn’t spent your week in bed doing nothing, if you hadn’t stayed up so late staring at your D.D.D., if you hadn’t wasted the hours staring into space, and just focused on your work properly, this wouldn’t have happened._

_And now, they’re going to know how worthless you really are. You couldn’t even do the_ one thing _that they needed you for._

Deep down, you knew the farce had come to an end. You weren’t an easy-going exchange student, excited to explore the Devildom. You were falling behind your counterparts as the dysfunctional, magic-less, good-for-nothing human.

_They should have chosen someone else. You didn’t deserve such an opportunity. They should’ve picked someone who could properly appreciate the realm: it’s deep history, fascinating culture, and mysterious creatures. Someone who could enjoy life without their ghosts getting in the way._

Like clockwork, the thoughts came and went endlessly. Your hands were shaking and your watery eyes threatened to overflow.

You barely acknowledge the brother that walked you home. You were relieved they didn’t question your drab mood. They probably overheard parts of your scolding while waiting for you after class. The two of you returned home in silence. 

With that, you crawled into bed as soon as you closed the door to your room. You monster held its arms open. It cooed gently, finally having you in its grasp.

_What did I tell you? You knew you weren’t going to accomplish anything good. You should have given up from the beginning and saved yourself the fight._

To be frank, you lasted longer than you expected. Your tired head fell into your pillows. You weren't the type to believe in fate or destiny. But there was always one certainty in your life, one thing that you can trust to be there for you whether you wanted it or not... your little monster.

You took a deep breath as you felt the its tendrils seep through the cracks of your heart. Like an old friend, you settled into the embrace of your depression.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to comment. It's my first fic so feedback's appreciated.


	2. Letting it out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story gets worse before it gets better. Please heed the tags.
> 
> It's okay to not be okay.  
> If you are struggling, please reach out to someone.  
> Take a deep breath, be kind to yourself.
> 
> [International Association for Suicide Prevention](https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/)

Your room had gotten too cold. Before you knew it, the breezy afternoon had turned into a chilly evening drizzle outside your open window. But that wasn’t important right now. 

Today was a particularly bad day. Your little monster's been been you bugging nonstop. Now that you were home, it let loose. It was all you could do to stay afloat and not succumb to your darker thoughts. You rolled on to the other side of your bed, trying to get comfortable.

_You’re uncomfortable because you’ve been a slob, lying in bed all week. Get up and do something, you lazy butt._

You knew it had a point. You knew that it spoke the truth.

You’ve been neglecting yourself and it showed. You **should** do something about that. But all you wanted to do was lie there _like the lazy, irresponsible, useless person you know you were._

Curling deeper into the mess on your bed, you shivered. Okay, maybe you'll could do something about the open window... later _._

You knew your clothes were too thin for the weather but you hadn’t gotten around to conquering the laundry that overflowed from its hamper this week. The bigger the pile grew, the more daunting the simple task became. You’d worn this short-sleeved shirt again for the third day in a row, hopefully no one noticed.

Upon return to the House of Lamentation after class, you immediately collapsed into your mattress. You haven't moved since. There were tasks to be completed, chores to be done. But what was the point of doing anything if you were still going to feel like an unaccomplished pig afterwards?

Groaning, you flipped your pillow over, trying to get comfortable again.

 _Oh come on, you know it wasn’t the pillow that was keeping you from relaxing. You’re out of shirt_ and _socks now. You actually need clean clothes for tomorrow. Stop procrastinating._

Your possessions were carelessly dispersed throughout your room. There were half eaten snacks littered across your desk, and your notebooks were slowly dampening from stray rain droplets blown through your window. You couldn’t bring yourself to care.

You pulled your sheets closer to you, trying to retain as much body heat as possible. You didn’t have the energy to close the window. You didn’t have the energy to deal with anything anymore.

_Why were you even still here? Weren’t you tired of this, of everything? Maybe this time, you could let go. Let your little monster take over. Let yourself go. Let this suffering end, for good.  
_

Nothing really mattered. You weren’t needed for the rest of the day. You’ve been cancelling plans with your housemates so often that they’ve finally stopped inviting you.

_They were just being good hosts. It’s not like they needed your company. They could go out and do whatever they wanted. The problem was you, the little human who needed a bodyguard at all times. You weren't missed._

You couldn't help it when your thoughts spiraled further. _What if you let go? What if this time, you conceded in your fight against your yourself?_

 _No one would miss you if you were gone. Maybe they’d return your body to the human realm with a fabricated excuse for your unfortunate death. Perhaps some of your demonic friends would attend your funeral; the more sensitive of the brothers would shed a tear. B_ _ut soon after, they would all recover. You_ _weren’t that significant in the grand scheme of things. They would continue on with their immortal lives and you would become a distant memory. You were a tiny speck in the infinite universe. It wouldn’t matter if you disappeared._

But what about your human life, your friends and family there? You wanted to end the pain for yourself but you couldn’t bear the thought of putting others in pain.

_Perhaps you should leave a note, a lame apology for disappointing everyone who knew you._

Your head hurt. Squeezing your eyes tighter, you tried to re-examine your thoughts.

 _You're just a little sad. You'll be fine. There’s no real reason for youto feel this way. It’s not like you’ve experienced any_ real _trauma. You had a decent life with its typical ups and downs. You've been well cared for here in the Devildom. Nothing bad has even happened recently. You don’t deserve to take the easy way out, to drop all your emotions and responsibilities to escape._

 _You deserve this: the hate, the pain, the suffering. You deserve it and_ **more**.

Now you and your monster have arrived at a familiar conclusion.

You sighed again, imagining what you were about to do. You rubbed at your arms, soothing the rush of blood surging through your veins.

You sighed again, imagining what you wanted to do. Apprehensively, you rubbed at your arms as your heart started thumping harder and your blood surged faster through your veins. You knew what your body yearned for but you were scared. It had been a while since you even thought about hurting yourself. Besides, you didn’t have the right tools right now ~~but maybe you’ll pick some up tomorrow.~~

For now, you gently scratched at your arms, leaving marks where your fingernails grazed. You shivered, not from the cold but from the **sensation**. Running the sharp edges of your nails against your skin, you relaxed.

 _You’ve been numb_ , you realized belatedly. _And now you’re feeling again._

You held your wrist in front of your face. leaning in, you give it a kiss and a suck. Then you bit down, softly at first, nipping until your skin reddened. Intensifying, you started to twist and pull with your teeth until it **hurt**. Your heart trembled from the thrill and rush of emotion.

 _Ahhh, that’s nice._ Your arms throbbed and your veins sang. You tried not to think about how it’d be even better if you bought a cheap pencil sharpener to disassemble. _This is fine. This is enough. This is good._

You relished in the stinging along your forearms. You worked your way from your wrist to your elbow, slowly, deeply, lovingly. The pain grounded you. It made you feel alive. You revelled in the catharsis that it brought. 

_You should be better than this. You could be better than this. But you’re just… not._

  
\---

Later, when the monster was satisfied, you stretched out across your bed. It was tuckered out, resting quietly in the back of your head. 

Floating in the calm of your adrenaline high, you relaxed onto your back. You focused on your heavy breathing. Your mind was clearing up. You felt at peace as you listened to the steady rhythm of your heartbeat

_You’re fine. Ba- thump. You’re fine. Ba- thump. You’re fine._

You inspected your tender arms. Your shoulders sagged in relief knowing that tonight hadn’t pushed you to search for blades. These blemishes would fade quickly; those other scars would not. 

The marks upon your soul, however… _You didn't want to think about all of those._

Listening to the steadfast pattering of rain, you tried to sort out your thoughts. Luckily your R.A.D. jacket had long, soft sleeves. You just needed to be careful around other people for the next few days. You rolled onto your side and tucked your body close together, cradling your arms in one another.

You weren't worried. _Who _woul_ d care to check for something so insignificant?_

Your arms tingled as the adrenaline faded away. You didn't have the energy to move. You didn't have the energy to be. Shutting your eyes, you drifted into a dreamless daze.

\---

Standing outside your room, he contemplated the last few weeks. He knew something was wrong. They all did. 

At first, Mammon and Levi had reluctantly conceded when you missed out on their game nights. You said you had a lot of school work to do. Afterwards, you kept cancelling plans with Satan and Asmo for nights at The Fall. You said you were too tired. And now, you’ve stopped visiting the twins for the usual movies, snacks, and cuddles. Those nights were the best, you had said so yourself. You blamed tiredness for that too.

So why had you barely spoken to anyone at home? You stayed in your room. You kept to yourself.

Whenever someone visited your room, they got the sense that you didn’t want them there. You seemed preoccupied with other things, things that you were hiding from all of them.

Something has been plaguing you and you’ve locked them all out of it, locked _him_ out of it. He had hoped that the two of you were closer than the others, that you would trust and confide in him. It hurt his pride. 

He knocked softly on the door, hoping you were hungry enough to leave your room and spend some time with him. 

His brow furrowed as he waited for you to respond. He tapped at your door again, louder this time.

“Hey, it’s me. We missed you at dinner,” He said, frustrated, “Are you feeling unwell? Would you like me to bring you some tea and something to eat?”

Frowning, he waited in silence, maybe you were asleep. With a soft sigh he turned around and was about to walk away when he heard a muffled sob. In a haste, he grabbed the doorknob and pushed the door open. 

Eyes scanning the dark, he took in the state of your room: your half eaten lunch on the desk, your shoes upside down beside the doorway, the school bag open on your chair with its contents spilling on the floor. Everything felt wrong.

He paused in your doorway for a moment. He didn’t mean to barge in on you; he had just reacted to the sound of your distress. 

_It wasn’t like him to lose his cool_ , he thought, _How ungentlemanly._

His attention was drawn to the wind howling through your open window. His eyes narrowed. Why had you allow tonight’s chilly draft inside? Stepping forward with a purpose, he snapped the window shut and drew the blinds down.

You shivered in your blankets. In your distress this afternoon, you realized, you forgot to lock the door. Who was it? Who would intrude on you like this? You swallowed thickly and took a deep breath.

“I don’t want to see anyone right now. Go away.” You murmured from your bed, hoping they wouldn’t press the issue.

Having located the source of your trembling voice, his eyes examined the bundle of blankets and pillows on the bed, “What’s wrong? Are you sick?”  
  
“I’m just tired. It’s no big deal.” You peeked your head out from under the covers to identify the intruder. 

_Of course, Lucifer has come to lecture me. He’s probably mad and disappointed that you missed tonight’s dinner._

Hearing the raspiness in your voice, he turned his head towards you, “Hey… Have you been crying?”

He takes a few steps towards the bed but freezes when you raise your voice.

“No! Don’t worry, it’s fine. But… Can you scold me for missing dinner some other time?”

Now that he can see your face, he’s taken aback by your appearance. Your eyes were red, your tears left tracks down your face, your hair was matted from hours in the position you’ve been lying in. He takes another step forward.

“H-Hey! It’s fine!” You scramble to the back of your bed, wrapping your blanket around your body, as if that would protect you.

You felt the mattress dip as he put one knee down to settle beside you, “Why were you crying? Talk to me,” he coaxed, murmuring your name, “You’ve been out of sorts the last few weeks. We’ve all been worried about you… **I’m** worried for you.”

“I’m just having a bad day. I’ll be fine, really. Please leave me alone,” You tried to act casually, letting a hand peek out from under the sheets to wave dismissively. If you played it off well, maybe he’ll stop asking questions that you don’t want to answer. 

His lips frowned as he reached for your hand. He held it gently, “If you’re certain, I’ll give you your privacy. Is there anything you need? You missed dinner and Beelzebub did save you a plate.”

_Damn it. Beel’s going to be upset with me too. You didn't know how many more excuses you could come up with._

“Yeah, I’ll be okay. It’s just a… dumb human thing. I’ll reheat the food later, thanks.” You knew these words would pacify the head of the household. He would leave you alone. At most, he’ll check on you in the morning and you’ll be ready with a long-sleeved cardigan by then.

_He just needed you to be in top condition for the exchange program’s success._

Looking at you he observed the swollen eyes, the sallowness of your complexion, the shaking in your jaw as you spoke. This was more than just tiredness but you were unwilling to talk to him… 

Holding your hand, he whispered, “Know that my door will always be open to you. If you need a shoulder to cry on, do not hesitate to find me. It hurts me to see you like this. I--” His words stopped as his gaze travelled past your wrist.

You whimpered when he squeezed your fingers a **bit too hard**.

_Shit._

“What is this? Who did this to you!?” He pulled your arm out from the covers. You squirmed against his demonic strength. He stared at the marks along your arm, angry splotchy globs that were slowly bruising.

You tried to jerk your arm back. _This isn’t happening. This can’t be happening. No._

“LET GO OF ME, LUCIFER.” Tears had returned to your eyes. He was the last person you wanted to see you like this. You pulled and pulled against him, bringing your other hand out to smack him away. Seeing the matching scratches and imprints on your your arms, he let go in shock.

You scrambled back into your safety nest, burying your hands in your sheets, bundling yourself up, hiding yourself away. “Please, please, just pretend you didn’t see anything. Everything’s fine.”

He didn’t reply. 

Your laboured breathing was the only sound in the room. Your heart was racing, your eyes were watering, and with choked breaths you sobbed again. Your hands wiped against your face, trying to erase the evidence of your weakness. But your tears wouldn’t stop coming down. “Leave me be. I can handle this on my own. Please… just ignore me and go.”

He slowly crawled towards you. You flinched as he carefully pulled the covers up to reveal the rest of you. You were shaking.

Lifting you up, he held your body against his with one hand on your back and one hand on your head. His actions caused you to bawl with renewed vigor. You gripped at him, wailing into his chest.

His chin rested on the top of your head as he rubbed circles along your back, soothingly. He waited for your weeping to slow and your breathing to return to normal before he spoke, “My dear, tell me. Who did this to you?”

Tenderly, he stroked his gloved hand through your hair. “Have you been bullied at R.A.D.?”

 _Fuck._ You knew Lucifer wasn’t going to let you out of this now. Not after ugly-crying in front of him like this. _You didn’t want to keep telling lies._

“No, it’s not like that,” you rasped. You hid your arms between your chests, “No one did this to me.”

_If you don’t tell him the truth, his brothers are going to be in trouble for not protecting me well enough. How could you have left the door unlocked today? Could you still get yourself out of this without telling him the truth?_

He was silent, contemplating.

_Then again, Lucifer can spot my lies from miles away. Maybe he’ll be satisfied with a brief summary and then he’ll leave me alone._

You took a deep breath, “I’ve never really told anyone about this before. But I’ve always been depressed, like overall, in general, for many years now. It’s always been there in the back of my head. I've had it for as long as I can remember. Usually I just ignore it.”

_Stop rambling. Just keep it short and simple. He doesn’t want to hear your entire pity story._

You tucked your head down against your chest, not wanting to look at Lucifer, “Every once in a while, the depression gets a little darker, more violent- just a little bit! And I can take care of it myself. I’ve never lost a battle to it yet, y’know, like I’m still here and alive and stuff... This isn’t as bad as it looks, honestly!” You blurted out the last part quickly, hoping it would make it all sound less… sad.

You were trying to play it off casually again. You didn’t want to alarm him or give him any reason to stay with you. Indifference was your last standing defense mechanism. 

Indifferent, apathetic, emotionless: that’s all you were. _Besides, you didn’t want to worry or bother him. Lucifer is a busy person with more important problems to deal with._

All this thinking has woken your little monster up. You felt the depression observe the situation curiously. 

_Maybe you could leave a little more art on your arms after he leaves,_ the creature cackled.  
  
You got lost in the silence of your internal monologue and forgot about the Avatar of Pride until he shifted his arms to look at your face. You glance at him quickly, not wanting to make any more eye contact than needed.

“Are you saying that… You did this?” His expression was unreadable, “You did this and hurt yourself, purposefully.”

You give him a quick nod, staring down at the bed, “These will bruise by morning but there won’t be any scars. It’ll be easy to hide under the right clothes so there’s nothing to worry about,” you mumbled the last part into his chest.

You felt his hand at your chin, tipping your face upwards. You relented, letting your teary eyes look up to meet his. Then he rested his forehead against yours as he pulled you into a deeper hug. Awkwardly, you wrapped your arms around him.

“Don’t say that. How could I not worry about this? About you?” His voice was thick. You weren’t sure if he was mad or upset or something else, “This isn’t ‘a dumb human thing.’ How can you say you’re fine when you're like this, having harmed yourself and cried your heart out.”

 _Oh… You forgot._ Your eyes dropped down again. _Most people don’t deal with this. You’d gotten so used to the ever-present companionship of your depression._

“It’s… It’s not a big deal for me. I’ve gotten used to it by now,” you whispered. You knew it was not the right answer but it was your truth. “Just leave me alone and I’ll be fine by the morning. I can take care of myself.”

Lucifer’s arms tightened around you. Was he trembling? You looked up at him in surprise when you felt a tear run from his cheeks to yours.

“Uhhh... It’s alright,” you put a hand on his cheek, wiping the tears away. You show him your arms, “Look, it’s not bleeding or anything. I didn’t get that far. You don’t have to stay with me any longer. I’m alright now”

His crimson eyes met yours and you realized you said the wrong thing **again**. How could you get yourself out of this? Maybe you should stop talking. You gave him a small smile, trying to show that you’re alright.

 _You knew this wasn’t normal. Now he knows it too. You’re broken beyond repair. Now he_ **_really_ ** _needs to leave, hopefully he won’t tell anyone else about this hidden side of you._

Holding your hands in his own, Lucifer whispered, “You don’t have to be so strong. It hurts me to hear you speak so callously about your own wellbeing. I’ve failed you if you think you have to deal with your depression alone.” 

You didn't know what to say to that.

“I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner. I’m sorry you’ve been here all by yourself. Please, let me in. Let me stay here with you. Please don’t hurt yourself anymore.”

You leaned into his embrace, averting your eyes, “D-Don’t apologize, you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just me. I’ve just always been like this. I’m sorry you had to see this. I’m sorry for bothering you. Please don’t judge me too harshly.”

Abruptly, he grasped your face in his hands. It felt like he was looking into you, seeing your darkest desires and your declining mental state, seeing your defenses and your lies, _seeing you for the pathetic monster you are._

“Don’t say that. This is not your fault.” His soft lips touched your forehead, “You would **never** be a bother. I love you, even if you don’t love yourself. I should have told you sooner but now, I intend to make up for it. Lean on me; confide in me; don’t hide your pain away any longer. You don't have to hold yourself together. Let it all out.”

“Lucifer…” You were at a loss for words. You’ve locked away all your emotions for so long you weren’t sure if you could let it out again. You’ve been fighting alone for so long, you didn’t know how to rely on someone else. 

It was hard for you to care for yourself. It was in your nature to put others first and yourself last. _They were more important; you were just… you. Did you really deserve what Lucifer was offering? You feel his hand brush against your cheeks again. When did your tears start up again?_

Having grown numb to your own emotions, your mind was scrambling to keep up. When was the last time you considered your own well being, mindful of your thoughts and feelings, and gave yourself a break?

You could feel the monster throwing a tantrum. It was mad. This wasn’t the result it wanted. It was having so much fun until Lucifer showed up. It stomped away in a ruffle, making plans to plague you later instead.

Taking a stuttering breath, you let the silence between you settle. You feel Lucifer’s hands card through your hair as your tears dried up; his touch was soothing. This catharsis was different from what you usually felt after a session of self-hate. You pulled his body closer to you. He let you drag him down to your pillows and curl up against his chest.

Neither of you said anything. His warming presence was enough to keep the monster at bay for now. In the safety of his arms, you fell into a peaceful slumber for the first time in weeks.

He planted a kiss on the top of your head. He knew this was only the beginning. It would be a long journey to sort through the years of damage left by your little monster. It would be an ongoing process, a war that without an end. Regardless, he intended to be beside you every step of the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Left the ending open because I know my story isn’t complete. I do not know where this goes, or if it will end. All I know is that the fight must continue, every second of every day, to fight this monster until my last breath.
> 
> It's my first fic, pls lmk what you thought in the comments

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to comment. It's my first fic so feedback's appreciated.


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